All In

My journey overcoming the approval of others to discover exactly want I was meant to do.

I stumbled onto a really interesting read the other day called Turning Pro, by Steven Pressfield. This book is the sequel to Pressfield’s NY Times bestseller: “The War of Art”, which some of you may be familiar with. The crux of the book contrasts the habits of the amateur vs the professional and it got me thinking about various times in my life where I’ve gone all in on a goal. For those of you wondering about the difference between an amateur vs a professional – while skills and in some cases, genetics are certainly involved, the greatest variance between the two is what’s between your ears. Professionalism is a decision, it’s a mindset, it’s a change in attitude where the addict knowingly decides to change his or her way to become the artist. Where resistance is ignored, and you find that purpose to dedicate every fiber of your being to.

When I say going “all in” on a goal, I mean you eat – sleep – and drink this belief in repetition. It’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning and it’s the last thing that you’re thinking about when you shut your eyes at night. It’s a fire that’s lit in you that can’t be explained – you just know your purpose in that moment, and most people won’t understand you for it. I like to call it an “enthusiasm unknown to mankind”. I’ve been incredibly fortunate enough in my life to have had three of these unique experiences. Now I can’t necessarily explain as to why – that when I find myself incredibly interested in something I tend to become an “addict” if you will, and quickly find myself dedicating every second to this goal. To understand what I’m rambling about here, lets rewind the clock 6 years.

In 2017 I was in my mid-20’s fumbling around and trying to figure out just what the hell I wanted to do with my career. I had worked a day job – first, in my undergraduate degree field of geology, and I hated it – I think I worked that job for 6 or 7 months. Next, I dabbled around in sales and later entrepreneurship via founding a startup – which I also hated. Until I ultimately decided to go back to school and get my MBA in finance. That sounded great on paper, finance professionals make a lot of money, right? This seemed like something that would make my family proud and would be a worthy challenge for myself to try to get into a prestigious business school, and once I graduate, I could land a big finance job at a well-known firm. Well – one of my instances of going all in happened before I even stepped foot on a graduate business school campus. Now, normal people just take their GRE or GMAT, apply to a few schools and call it good on the one(s) that they get accepted to. That wasn’t my journey. From day one, I knew exactly where I wanted to go – the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business. Essentially one of a handful of the top business programs in the country. I had a few reasons that I wanted to go here. For starters I had family who went to U of M and I was exposed to the school at a young age. My sister also tried to go here as an undergrad and unfortunately didn’t make the cut, so looking back on it I was doing it for all the wrong reasons and completely for the approval of others.

From day one I went all in on the application process. I tested on the GRE & GMAT, once – twice – three times and even a fourth time. I dedicated quite literally every fiber of my being to this cause. I worked daily with a tutor, I changed jobs, sacrificed time with family and friends, completely alienated myself and at one point even relocated to Ann Arbor, Michigan to meet others in the community and build relationships with those in the business school and admissions team. I thought my background, grades, test scores, recommendation letters and relationships would make me a lock – however I found out not too long after applying, that others were receiving their acceptance letters, I so far had received nothing. A short time later I received a spot on the waitlist, so I leaned into that – trying to get a higher test score, sat in on “audit classes” and tried even harder to become more “known” to the admissions team.  Not too long after that, in the summer - I received an ultimate rejection. Like an addict would rather than a professional, without thinking or weighing options, I doubled down. Even without any backup plan decided to dedicate another year and more resources to this cause without even thinking or considering the long-term impact on myself or if this was the right path. I didn’t care, my mindset was that if someone built a wall, you break it down to achieve the goal, and I was partially right in this mindset. Another 6 months flew by, and I remained worthy to the cause, it was the middle of the winter – my birthday weekend and I was slated to take the GRE again that Saturday. I was prepared. I had been working with my tutor, I felt like I was invincible going into that test. I showed up on test day, took the exam – nervous as hell, per usual - and tied my highest score. No better and no worse. For some reason, I’m not sure what finally made me see the light, but I walked out of that test relieved. At that point I knew that win, lose, or draw I had given that goal 150% of my everything. I was resolved, so much to the point that I went home that day and finally started to look around at my life and realize that I wasn’t a professional, I was an amateur. Like an amateur, I ignored the needs and goals of others and only really cared about myself, I was so obsessed with achieving this one ridiculously stupid goal, that I wasn’t even privy to the idea that my poor girlfriend was willing to give up her job and life to relocate out to Ann Arbor to be with me; or that I was blowing through tens of thousands of dollars in savings, or that if I even actually achieved this goal, the cost was going to be in the multiple hundreds of thousands of dollars to actually execute on it. When I finally came to the light I sat down and asked myself who am I doing this for and why am I doing this? For context, I realized that I didn’t need this dumb school or the approval of some admissions team to achieve any level of actualization or success. The lesson was that, YOU should never in life be seeking the approval of anyone other than yourself. A funny story, my roommate at that time was in the Michigan MBA program, and I was tutoring him and helping him with his homework on a fairly consistent basis. If this didn’t make things completely obvious that this wasn’t the right, path I don’t know what would have. I didn’t need to prove anything to them or anybody because I had already proved it to myself.

Around this time, I began looking at what my next move would be. Given that I wasn’t a giant fan of Michigan winters, I decided to look to warmer climates. I had a good relationship with the University of Miami, a prestigious and highly ranked school, with a great business program. I immediately knew it would be an awesome fit. For undergrad this school was a big-time stretch, I would have never gotten in. I laugh today but I can still remember my high school guidance counselor telling me to change my expectations when it came to applying to Miami. But this time was different, I had begun to make the metamorphosis from an amateur to a professional. I had everything they were looking for this time around. With one phone call to the admissions director, things just fell into place, and I was in, with a sizable scholarship as well. I guess I was taking my talents to Miami, but even more importantly – this time I had made a major change. I was now a professional. It wasn’t long after relocating to South Florida that I got really into running. This hobby grew into a passion, and then an obsession. I found myself performing well at competitive 5K’s and 10K’s, I had even run some decent half marathon times and then the lightbulb went off again. One day, while playing on the internet I came across an Instagram photo of Anton Krupicka moving effortlessly in the mountains, and I thought to myself that maybe I could do this. Despite living in Florida at the time, I had made a few trips to the Appalachian Mountains and the Rockies in years prior and found that I really enjoyed moving up and down peaks, but never conceptualized combining that with running. Who knew that this shit was a sport! Months later I competed in my first 50K at the Sangre De Cristo Ultras in Southern Colorado, and I was immediately bitten by the bug.

Fast-forward a few years, a move to Colorado, a modicum of running success later and I oddly find myself back in a similar place, with one primary goal. But this time around, things are different, I no longer treat anything in life like an amateur. This time, my goal is to go “all in” on my 2023 mountain running season. To throw down at some of the highest competition mountain races in the United States, and hopefully perform to my expectations. Like that 26-year-old version of my prior self – I remain dedicated, structured, and hold an unshakable confidence that I can achieve this dream. As a professional should, I’ve found myself not only running at a high volume, but I find myself focused on strength training, learning about physical therapy, innately focused on nutrition and recovery, consulting with current professionals and athlete managers; I’ve even found myself in the climbing gym to work on my climbing and scrambling skills ahead of Broken Arrow. All these factors culminate to hopefully produce a well-rounded athlete on race day.

If you haven’t yet found that thing in life that lights your fire – or pushes, you to dedicate every fiber of your being to that one goal – keep searching. It’s there. And don’t forget, the only person you should be seeking approval from this life, should be yourself. Not your boss, not your parents, not your friends, siblings, peers, or some dumb admissions committee in another state. Just you.